we almost moved 2000 miles away

You're amazing. Not a single Follower or Subscriber lost despite our complete silence the past 40+ days. So why the silence? Well, here's the deal:

In late July, we discovered that we've officially doubled the size of our family! The next little Hawk is due in March. He/she may get me to like that month after all. And yes, that means our kids will be less than 16 months apart. Think I'm ever going to run out of things to post after them apples?

We also realized we were headed for a move--almost 2000 miles away to the Pacific Northwest. It had been in the works since March (what is it with March?), but in late July and early August, the works materialized into reality. Hawk received an incredible job offer. Amazing. One of the best cities and companies in the nation. A once-in-a-lifetime deal. But with no family, and only one friend (we love you Mackey/Boyle!) I had been less-than-excited about a move until this last opportunity (Hawk had received a few others), but like Sherry Petersik when I make up my mind for something, I'm in. I became enthralled with the sense of starting over, just the three of us, making it work side-by-side. The adventure of new friends, new community. We found a realtor, we resigned from our jobs, and then...

His company made it worth our while to stay. And when I say worth our while, I mean:

I am now a stay-at-home mama. Hot damn! WTF? 

We thought that pipe dream was at least 3-4 years and 2 more kids away. And this from the gal who said, Now Hawk, I love my career and I am not going to necessarily stop working when we start increasing our family. Ha. Now where's that foot...

So I couldn't post about the baby because we are both cautious until the second trimester. I couldn't post about the job for very obvious reasons. And I couldn't post about the move because I couldn't post about the job. But most of all, I couldn't post.

Because I was miserable. I've never been so unhappy. And I didn't realize just how unhappy until these first 4 days of true unemployment. Working with teens doesn't allow for much private time. Don't get me wrong, it's amazing work. But when you have 100+ teens a year who look to you and 40+ are really invested in what you're offering, that's a lot of outside-the-office time. So when I was home, I wasn't really home. I felt constantly anxious and guilty about the work I wasn't getting done because when I was with my little Ace, I did my best to be with him. I knew I would never regret anything else but losing time with my son. But even when I gave my all to him, I had this foreboding sense of dissatisfaction. My father raised me to leave things better than you found them, Jeni, and I saw that after a brilliant career, I was giving to my job a quality the likes of Brett Favre with the Jets.

And all of this made me irritable, overly-sensitive, suspicious, and unforgiving at home. Let's just say that I haven't been the sweetest wife the past few months. Hawk and I took Ace for a long walk in the rain on Sunday, and I found myself laughing at the very things I criticized only days before.

I feel like a different person. Like myself.

I can't wait to tell you about our plans for our family and our house! But I'll have to save that for later this week.

In the meantime, I have a second post for today. Hope to see you back in a couple hours.

sincerely yours,

~j

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