The Most Embarrassing Photo I've Posted

Is this one:

This photo captures everything about my life lately. When I shot it, I was laughing and weeping (maybe sobbing). It's hilarious and wonderful that I have these two children, these two specific, particular, unique and glorious lives in my own humble life, and that they want to be with me wherever I go, whatever I'm doing. It is glorious. It is awe-inspiring. No animal or friend comes close to the glory of these two children. This girl, this boy.

And still.

You can see in the first pic that I have no privacy. They're not just in the room, they're practically in my lap. One wants to read a book. The other wants to play trucks. Gosh, I'm laughing as I write this remembering how ridiculous it was, but at the moment it was taken, I was also very, very broken. Tired. Tapped-out. In need of a sanctuary. I'm glad I had enough sense of humor that I could appreciate how ridiculous it was, but I was still crying.

Which brings me to the topics of sleep and self-sacrifice.

I've since come to understand that the single most influential factor in my peace of mind, in my ability to be a good wife and mother, is sleep. If I am rested, I can tackle anything with joy, patience, self-control, and rational thought. If I have not had rest, I am an emotional wreck. I can't handle the lack of privacy. I can't handle the constant, appropriate needs my children have or the expectations my husband places on his stay-at-home spouse. I act out in ways I am ashamed, and I can't be a proactive, joyful person providing for the needs of the family I love.

The reality of being pregnant and having two very young children means that a lot of my own desires are on hold. Some moms describe this as a compromise, but I see it as a pure and obvious sacrifice. Compromise means everybody is only partially happy, and partially dissatisfied. Sacrifice means letting go and giving in to something more important, a total surrendering and giving away what I want for myself at this time, and the total act of giving it up is more fulfilling than the partial.

And what do I want for myself? I want to have an extremely decluttered and organized house in which EVERYthing has a place and is in its place. I'm sold on that mindset after organizing my pantry and our coat closet; it's the key to peace of mind in the house. Oh, and I want to:

• blog daily
• set the new dresser's hardware, add contact paper to the drawers, and fill it with their belongings. Oh, and put it in an actual bedroom instead of the basement.
• paint Poppy's room and ceiling
• stamp the hallway ceiling
• build a wardrobe for Hawk in our MBR
• install and paint moulding in our MBR
• sew, sew, sew things like pillow casings, teepees, a-frame tents, maternity dresses, and children's clothes. And curtains.
• paint numbers on the stairs
• tear down the upper west shelving in our small galley kitchen, rewire the lights, replaster, and install open shelving
• install the brand new beautiful lights we purchased for our kitchen and hallway (they're so cool!)
• switch the cribs
• reorganize the basement into beautiful storage and particular play spaces, a sewing/craft area, woodworking area, clear laundry area, etc.

And did I tell you I have a little dream on the back burner? Something that could take this blog in a new direction, make it more than a hobby? Well, I bet I haven't told you because I have to put it on hold. And there's a grace there. I haven't been able to paint Poppy's room, and I recently realized that instead of going a cream-gray, I want to do the walls pure cream and paint the ceiling with a Farrow & Ball pink. Yup, you read that correctly. Similarly, I haven't been able to pursue some ventures I've longed to pursue, and this has made me realize that by sacrificing those dreams, I can spend time discerning, praying, and learning about what I really want to do so when I take action, it is for the right end.

So the things I love are severely on hold until this baby arrives and our family starts to settle. I hope that the long view will warrant these short pitfalls. I know they will.

with deep gratitude for your faithfulness, readers,

~j

tweet