happy first, my lady girl

My daughter,

You are crazy. The first time I felt you, your kick was so powerful I doubled over. You climb stairs one foot at a time even though your body is still so small and you can't walk without our hands to steady you. You walk over everything; where your brother would saunter carefully around, you purposefully trample--stuffed and live animals, piles of metal toy cars, people, chairs. Crazy. You jump toward puppies but you have no fear. (I'd like to see you with a little more fear.) We already see your might will. You are the most comfortable, cuddly person and I can't believe you prefer me to anyone else. God rue the day that changes.

When I first learned you were a daughter and not a son, I felt lost. Blind, deaf, directionless. I had no sense of how to raise a woman, how to have that deep mother-daughter relationship. You encountered a few hiccups in this first year, and I had your back; you've taught me so much about being a better mother just by being your joyful, sassy self. I came to know the hope and wonder it is to believe that we will have something unique, something only given and earned between a mother and daughter.

I am honored to know you. You impress me and intrigue me; you are mysterious. This year with you has convinced me that you'll need the very best that I can be, and I want to give that to you.

Happy first birthday, my love.

yours,
Mama

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lady poppy's first birthday inspiration

I am so excited for lady Poppy's first birthday. I think because she's a girl it feels new, so I couldn't wait to share the plans with you.

Color palette, same as her when-she-moves bedroom:

Source: theeverygirl.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

The cake, and though ours won't look as lovely and polished, it'll be close enough for a 12-month old to smash her face in it...

Source: weddingbells.ca via Jennifer on Pinterest

And a few big, round balloons because they're so girly!

Source: elizabethdunnfootwear.blogspot.com via Matty on Pinterest

And my newest party craze, the tissue tassel garland:

Source: greenweddingshoes.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

Though I'd have to say that this tassel tutorial is the best, easiest to follow, and most efficient I've seen yet.

I'm considering this cake recipe, though Poppy tends toward the all-out chocolate--rich, dark chocolates. The kind we can't afford. Ha!

Source: plumprettysugar.tumblr.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

Or this if I get all craze-ay.

Source: recipebyphoto.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

We did this for Ace's 2nd birthday and he loved it, so I think it could be a really cool, fun tradition to start for every birthday, every kid. It feels so special!

Source: grosgrainfabulous.blogspot.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

And these as goodie-bags for the little people, because it's what I would want as a kid, it's what I want as a parent, and it's not too much stuff for a first birthday party!

Source: stephaniehowell.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

And this is one of the very few gifts I'm giving her, which has even more meaning when I think of how prudence is my favorite and most hard-won virtue (meaning I haven't won it yet):

Source: prudentbaby.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

There you have it! Now I've got to just finish the invitations (I should have hired Nellie Design) and get them out to family before it's too late:)

Have a lovely day, friends.

icj,
~j

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on forgetting the moment

When I worked with teenagers preparing for college I would see anxiety spread across their faces as they relayed to me the recycled, These will be the best years of your life. The advice would come from adults they respected and adults they shunned, so it seemed to be some universal truth: the next four years are the best of your life. This would inevitably produce panic about the choice of college which seemed even more grave a matter than it already had to be, but the occasional senior would ask, Really, Jen, is it true?

And I would say no. Can you imagine your life peaking at age twenty-two? Yikes, what a message.

I heard the same thing, of course, and I'm convinced it comes from well-meaning individuals who didn't really live their college years well and when they had the chance. They have regrets. And so life afterwards is tainted. They want to go back and do that again. 

I had an unbelievably good time in college. I became a studious person, rowed on the crew team and traveled the nation, tried almost every legal activity once, and got in just enough trouble to keep me out of the clinker. I tried a dozen things and failed. I tried a dozen more and succeeded. I think I squeezed every bit of life out of my four years at university so there's nothing for me to return to.

Likewise, I think any good thing valued for what it is at the time can be let go when the time passes. My wedding day? The only parts I want back are those I didn't fully enter into. The portions I gave myself over to are an easy joy as I recall them. But even then, I can't quite grasp the sound of Hawk's voice as he spoke his vows or the sound of the string quartet playing Gounod's Ave Maria as I walked down the aisle.

The memory of our wedding ceremony is so sweet and real to me because I was intentionally present as it passed, not because I can recall its thousand details precisely.

So I have to ask how much I will remember of this fleeting time having babies in the house and I am left with the reality -- I am going to forget things as time passes. Whether I enter into these moments with my children or I allow other matters, less important matters like to-do lists, creative works, books to read, etc., to distract me, in ten years I will recall about the same amount of detail. But by entering into them, savoring them as they pass through my life, I will be left with the very real experience of them, and I believe this whole-hearted experience is what gives us truly happy memories and barricades against regret.

When I rock Poppy to sleep, I make sure to take in her sounds, her movements, knowing that I will never have them this way again. And when Ace reads on my lap or rushes up to hug me of his own volition, I know that I will lose the perfect knowledge of how it feels but I will forever possess the experience itself. And it changes me.

A friend alerted me to the very very brief time of "newborn-ness." She said, We all think it lasts a month or more but really, the newborn is gone in a matter of one or two weeks and they have grown into babies. Don't miss it. Stay in bed holding that little life as long as you can. Leave the house a mess and hold that baby and stare at that face." So I did. I held Ace in bed for ours, just holding and staring and enjoying. I held him on the couch, as I walked through the house. The same with Poppy. And sure enough, they quickly grew into their baby-selves but I wasn't sad to see the newborn leave because I drank every drop that I could feasibly drink from that time.

And thus, I could recognize the supreme value of the next phase.

What do you think? Is life over at twenty-three (and perhaps why so many of us have a quarter-life crisis)? Or is there a way to continue on after a good time without going downhill?

I'm eager for your thoughts!


Happy Monday, friends.

icj,
~j

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baby, baby, oh baby

Source: blog.justinablakeney.com via StyleSweets Magazine on Pinterest

What is the newest thing Ace & Poppy have in common? They're both older siblings. That's right, come July we'll officially be a family of five. We're pretty giddy. It seems we have a theme; Ace is 15.5 months older than Poppy, and Poppy is 15.5 months ahead of Threebie.*

Yes, that's 3 in 31 months. 

We're nuts, but we don't care. We know that the blessing of children is outside of our control, and we don't take these little lives for granted. We know how good we have it.

It also explains why my blogging has not been the best this holiday season. I'm rather tuckered out and by the time my attention is diverted from elsewhere, I crash. Hard. But on Christmas day when our two kiddos had found their way to our bed at 6am, wide awake and giggly, it occurred to me that being tired is an easy price to pay for such happiness.

Hawk wanted me to change the banner first and make the newest egg pink and blue. Lest you think we're having twins (oh dear, I don't know what I would do with myself!), the combo just alludes to how we wait to find out the baby's gender until he or she arrives on the scene. I'm guessing girl, though.

To everyone who has known for a while, thanks for keeping it on the DL, and thanks in advance for your prayers and support! I'm hoping to do another little series like doubling up but in prep for three. I hear it's the most difficult jump to make and that after you handle three kids, four or more are a synch. 

icj,

~j

p.s. Threebie was not my idea, but somehow it stuck. I think it sounds like that Disney car, Herbie. Whatever. I get a say in his or her real name in the end...

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giveaway just in time for Christmas

It is a small world, dude. So you know my obsession with Karen Le Billon's piece. Well, one of our readers (and college friend) happens to be a children's editor with Harper Collins, and she just helped publish the most beautiful Christmas story written by Nora Buck and illustrated by Sara Jane Wright.

Who illustrated French Kids Eat Everything.

Source: amazon.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

And lo and behold, Molly O'Neill, the editor, kindly surprised me with a copy of A Christmas Goodnight to give away to our lovely readers!

Comment on this post to win your own copy and answer one of these questions: What is your favorite children's book? What do you look for when choosing a children's book? For me, the illustrations are key as they add as much to the imagination as the text itself!

Extra entries: 
1. Tweet the giveaway and comment with the url.
2. Pin the photo above and comment with the url.
3. Facebook it, and comment.

Giveaway closes Friday, December 21st, 11:59pm.


Good luck!

icj,
~j

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but I hate the French : a review of Bringing Up Bebe

It all started because of peer pressure. I read about Bringing Up Bebe on the beloved Cup of Jo and then I saw references to the book everywhere. At the store. In my Reader. On the radio. At the library. And I thought, well, the French are rather snobby and obsessed with illicit affairs,  I don’t exactly want to raise my children to be French, but I figured it would be all the rage among moms my age and I wanted to have sound reasons for why I chose not to follow its advice. I requested it from the library, found myself in 47^th place, and waited. When it arrived, I jumped right in so as not to fall behind the bandwagon (but to stay off the bandwagon, thank you very much).

And then I couldn’t put it down. I carried it to the pediatrician’s, to the in-laws, to the library, and maybe to the bathtub with a glass of red. While others were reading 50 [Overrated & Oppressive] Shades of Gray, (just saying), I read all about Pamela Druckerman’s odyssey through French parenting culture and her reflections on whether or not to conform to it.

The first thing to note is that it is well-written. Really, Jen, that’s the first thing? Look, I have two under two and I used to work full-time. Leisure hours aren’t really my thing this decade, so if I’m going to read something it better not dull my intellect and imagination.

Ms. Druckerman’s debut makes for a smooth and engaging read.

The second thing is to appreciate her judgment. I read and heard a number of reviews, some of whose authors actually read the book (surprise), and most of them criticized an American-looking-to-another-culture-to-model. I contend they skimmed chapters and never read the text. When you read each sentence you’ll be quick to find how measured she is in her examination of French parenting. She admires some things like their loving authority, time for adult relationships of all kinds, general respect for the dignity of the person who is presently a child, and expectation that every child will love good food and be self-controlled—even as toddlers! At the same time she questions the French disregard for breastfeeding and dettachment-style of parenting. And for the most part, I agreed with her reflections.

That is the third matter: the book encourages, quietly, a parent’s personal reflection on the motivations and freedoms we impress upon our children. Since reading this book I now expect my then 15-month-old (and now 21-month-old) to behave himself in both private and public circumstances, to keep food on his plate, to speak words clearly and convey ideas with greater precision. I believe my children are far more capable of greater maturity and dignity than I previously practiced. Not because they should behave ahead of their age, but because their age is capable of more than what we Americans tend to believe.

Now, I recently read this article by Mr. Druckerman about his wife's book. He explains that A basic idea in Bringing Up Bébé is that French parents don’t live in the service of their kids. While he highlights the above, I'd highlight his own sentence regarding a happy marriage. We are raising little people, not perpetual kids. One of the best things they can witness is how Hawk and I interact together, how we have our own conversation, how they must wait at times for our own activities to end. Not because we don't love them, but because we do. We are showing them how to honor others. And the kids love it.

Hence, Hawk runs almost every day but he is willing to work that run around the family's (not just the kids') needs. Sometimes it's 4 miles, sometimes it's 8, and as a family, we adjust to that run. I have time to blog and on Tuesday nights I attend a study 30 minutes away. That leaves him alone with the kids, and Poppy-don't-take-no-bottle. Like the book attests, we shouldn't limit ourselves to "date nights," as if that one night is the night we get to be adults. When it's bedtime, the kids need to be in bed. For their physical and mental health as well as our personal leisure time. 

And don't get me started on my clothes. Before I read Bringing Up Bebe I practiced the Midwest-mom art of leisure clothes, i.e., gym clothes or scruffy stuff, not just on occasion but every day. Now, I wear skirts 50% of days and these cute, totally-trendy pop-color pants the other 50%. I shower and shave regularly and I no longer use my kids as an excuse for being un-sexy. (My 5'0" stature might, but not my legs). Besides, I want my kids to think this of me one day.

Why? Because as much as we love our babies and man, do I want to go up right now and wake them and cuddle them and wrestle I know that they are going to leave the coop just as we did, most likely find a mate or enter religious life and we will become the parents who raised them, not perpetual roommates.

I think Americans are too black-and-white about things that shouldn't be so stark. We think it's all or nothing, instead of some of this, and much of that. Being a good marriage doesn't mean being a bad parent. Teaching kids patience doesn't mean ignoring them. Missing one activity doesn't necessarily imply selfishness.

So in summary, here's what I personally gained from the book:

• I am a good mom. Contrary to the American mantra I'm such a bad mom. You know you've said it, or heard it from another mom. Why?
• My children are capable of mature behavior. Loving, gentle and firm discipline guides then in that direction when their appropriate development challenges them.
• I can be sexy, fit, and smell rather pleasant as a mom. 'Nough said. This is my perfume.
• Patience and a sense of others is one of the best things to teach a child, as is the word No. I love Ms. Druckerman's example of the mother who gently but firmly tells her daughter that she is in the middle of a conversation and then expects her child to wait. And the child waits. How beautiful! Manners, attention toward others, respect for self and one's self-control...how great! And my favorite is the snack time, goutier. Ace never questions when I say no to extra treats or non-once-a-day snacks (goutier) that we now practice. He may ask a thousand times, but he always accepts the answer. No.
• On that note, how I respond now determines much of who they become. So instead of saying, Yes, that IS a cloud when Ace points to a tree, I say, Nope, that's a tree, dude. 
• Language and the ability to converse are of vital importance. Forget the schools*. It is our job to teach our children to speak clearly, mean what they say, read, and hold a conversation. The gift of language is one of the greatest gifts!
• One must be able to abide well within society. Conversation, manners, patience; these are good things. Being a member of society doesn't mean you're less a family member or that you ascribe to everything of society at-large. It just means that you can hold your own and still engage others in meaningful relationships. 

I could probably keep going but this review is getting a bit long.

I'd LOVE to hear your thoughts. Tell us, tell us! Have you read it? Are you wary of it? Have you already made the yogurt cake and thought it wasn't that great? Me, too. Did we make it incorrectly?

icj,

~j

*In this statement I am not including learning disabilities which require trained educators, time, and attention. I just mean end the baby-talk and give our kids the gift of conversation and recollection.

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found : 30 creative activites for toddlers (1-3)

Source: handsonaswegrow.com via Jennifer on Pinterest

I came across this great list of reasonable, not over-the-top, fun, interesting, contained activities for toddlers. I've already made the glitter color jars!

Happy Labor Day!

icj,

~j

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review : b.o.b. double stroller

We did it! We settled on a double stroller, and I'm SO happy.

I love rummage sales, and I think there are certain things one can buy used without hesitation: lamps, frames, kids' toys, books, and stollers. So when our neighbors sold us their 2009 B.O.B. Stride Fitness Double for $350, I thought it was a steal. It included a parent console, a carseat adapter, and two kid cupholder adapters. Worth $750 altogether new. I was seriously stressed while making the purchase and I may or may not have called Hawk 6 times while he was on the golf course. (the shame). My friend played with Ace while I paced, phoned, and rang my hands. Here's what we brought home:

As you can see, a very nice model in great shape. You know that joke? The one that goes:

A man will pay $2 for something that costs $1 because he needs it.

A woman will pay $1 for something that costs $2 because it's only $1.

I think I got so excited about the purchase price that I didn't really think about what we wanted. We already have a B.O.B. single stroller, which is unbelievable and we take it everywhere, so I reasoned that the double would just be that much better.

Pluses to the B.O.B.:

Handles beautifully. 

Works just like a single.

Negatives to the B.O.B.:

Heavier than a sumo wrestler-turned-TV-watcher.

Nothing special other than handling to justify the price.

So when I got it home, I wasn't happy. Ace's head hit the fabric fold-top when it was folded, and he's barely 19 months. It was an awkward incline for (at the time) 3 month old Poppy. And while we're hoping to double and maybe even triple our current number of progeny, we weren't sure this was the piece of equipment to survive them all. And I also didn't love that it was used. Strollers are pretty intimate items in that they house sleeping, sweaty, growing children. I realized I don't like buying used kids pajamas or double strollers.

Thus I found myself returning to the Baby Jogger City Mini Double. I'd stalked it a bit online and found 2011 models (easily) for under $400. The ratings were through the roof. and I began to see them everywhere. And Yes, I confess, I coveted them! There was so much more to the equipment for the price, like an almost 90 degree incline, adjustable shoulder strap connections, lighter lifting weight, and mesh backs to allow free flow of air or, should the weather require, a weather-cover, and of course, entrance through any standard doorway. 

So I sold the B.O.B. for a $25 profit on Craigslist. I also took the first full-price offer, which was the third contact received of 14. If I was more experienced I think I would have held out for a better offer, or wagered them against each other, but I'm not good at that sort of thing. I was pretty pleased with any profit at all.

And then I bought me a brand new City Mini 2011 for $9 less than I received for the used B.O.B.

Yessssssss.

Check out our review of our final purchase, the Baby Jogger City Mini Double stroller.

icj,

~j

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kids room :: black window frames

Source: kidsroom.dk via Jennifer on Pinterest

Ah, love this kids room. THIS is why I think black window frames are a very simple but attractive step to giving personality to a room. And I love white/cream walls that allow everything else to pop...

What do you think of that fabulous light fixture?

icj,
~j

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doubling up : what makes it great

The big buck here at the end. I asked each woman to give me two final thoughts: what makes this doubling up on kids so joyful, and what would be ... your famous last words on the topic? 

I confess, I was most interested in that last part. When I hear that question I pause, take a breath, and give them great weight. I expect that whatever I'm going to hear or say is really the heart of the matter. You find out a lot about a person in answer to this question. I've heard people feeling down-and-out break out with great optimism in answer to those few words!

Also, I'm sure y'all know this isn't a religious blog, but religion is big in my life. Where the women discuss it, I've kept it for print. Honestly, okay, I'm being really honest here... I thought about deleting them. What would you think of this little blog if I included them? Sure, they were important for me, but would you roll your eyes and think, Great, another one of those... After a lot of finger-sliding over the keyboard, squinting eyes--a symptom of deep thought--I've chosen to go for it. At the very least it will give you insight into their perspectives. 

So enjoy this Friday installment of Doubling Up. Famous Last Words...

What were some of the greatest joyful surprises with the addition of a second child?

The best thing in the world is seeing the two children develop a relationship which I do think happens right from the beginning.  And it gets better as they get older.  We still love to listen to the conversations the brothers have.  Some of the funniest moments in my life have been watching the boys play together (especially in the tub - you will see...).

Greatest joyful surprises...so many actually, but a few are seeing how Abigail took to Amelia and now, their budding friendship. Also, for me that feeling of your heart just bursting with just as much love for another child, an even deeper love for Ryan as he was even more helpful, patient and wonderful because he would witness on nights/weekends  when he was home that it was alot to handle at times.

Children are amazing! How can two children with the same parents be so different? And how remarkable that they love each other so much! I am repeatedly astonished at how much love we are capable of: my heart was full on my wedding day; my heart spilled over on the day my first baby was born; and it exploded when I met baby number two. This imagery implies that I should have no more pieces of my heart left, but, somehow, my heart continues to burst as I immerse myself in family life.

The way the girls play and laugh.  Our home is filled with joyful laughter and happy screaming about 90% of the time, and it makes me smile.  Now that they are 5 and 3, they play together so well and are each other's best friends (and at times worst enemies).  Even when Clare was born, Hannah was always so helpful, interested and motherly.  Clare was the same with Emily (though a little more aggressive)  They also understand that they are not #1, and I find don't demand as much--they are learing patience.  They also teach each other--help each other read and zipper coats.  They give hugs and get in trouble together.  I really love our girls.

How quickly the labor/delivery went! Enjoying the baby things all over again and knowing how quickly they pass by. Seeing Tom say "Hi Baby David" every morning and enjoying making his brother smile. Seeing how MUCH they look alike and how much the little noises and laughs David makes are similar to Tom's, and yet how much he is his own person. Seeing Arch be Daddy to two little guys and enjoying/remembering the baby phases.

What would be your "last words of advice" to moms preparing for their second child? 

 Remember that you made it through the rough times with the first child and you will do it again with the second.  Hopefully, it will be easier this time to keep things in perspective and remember only to stress over the important stuff (safety is worth a little stress.  skipping a bath one day is not).  And stay close to friends and family who remind you that you are not only a mom - you are still YOU, just now motherhood is a wonderful part of your life.  And for you, Jen, you have the amazing advantage of living on a block with people who want to help you - and will be there for you any hour of the day or night.  Don't be afraid to ask for that help.  (Just like our 3rd asked Hawk to make mac and cheese for lunch today - which was delicious, by the way.) Thanks, Kerry! We love that stuff. You're sort of our super-neighbors.

 Last words of advice.....There really is no way to totally prepare, I honestly don't think...it's like riding a bike, you can explain it, yes, but it's a feeling. You just have to get in your groove and once you get it down and get a routine it's much easier.  It is very difficult and there are days when you just want to cry and do, but it is also the greatest gift ever, to be blessed with another child. Do make a point to get out with your husband, as it is so easy to get caught up in the "rat race". We would put the girls down and then go out like 7:30 or so we knew they were safe in their beds sleeping, we could relax more. I feel this is so important because I know I can be snippy and crabby when I'm tired and never want Ryan to feel not appreciated or as important and I know its the same for him. Also, I have heard that some worry "will I love the second like I do the first?" and YES! you cannot believe how your heart bursts with love and you love each one so much. It really is amazing how fast the time goes.  Last but not least, I will say what my mom always says, and what her mom told her and that is......."this too shall pass"   :)

Don't talk about whether the older child will accept the new baby or feel jealous. Your married life should model openness and hospitality. From the moment you tell your family there is a new baby growing inside, rejoice! Make sure your older children know each life is a constant celebration. We found the image of a candle is helpful: at the Easter Vigil, the Easter candle is the only light in the church at first. As hundreds of people light their candles from it, that Easter candle's flame never diminishes--it seems to want to provide as much light as possible! In the same way, your family can grow and grow (as God provides), wanting to share as much love as possible, and the love never diminishes for any member of the family.

Here's a tip I personally needed so I could become less selfish as more and more people began to depend on me: start your day with a morning offering. The Apostleship of Prayer is an organization dedicated to helping people pray. On their website you will find various prayers you can consider using to dedicate your day to the heart of Christ--every action, every word, every poopy diaper, every dish, every round of Candy Land (it's even OK to pray through a game of Candy Land which you have rigged! I am so good at surreptitiously stacking the deck with Queen Frostine, I should tackle Vegas. Would someone please just WIN this inane game, already!)

Finally, stay close to God and the church. If you are Catholic, receive the Sacraments often:

•               Your husband is your best friend and helpmate, and you need the grace of your marriage vows to keep working together as a pair.

•               Something real happens at Reconciliation--the weaknesses that brought you to confession can diminish as Jesus heals and strengthens you.

•               The Eucharist is the source and summit of our Christian lives. Making it through Mass with squirmy little children can be absolute drudgery, but the rhythm of churchgoing forms a family. The Eucharist is not a hoax; it is real food you can depend on.

 Relax, you've done it before. We also have more anxiety and worry than our kids do, they will be fine and adapt, we just need to love them to our best ability and strive to be better.  Always make time for your spouse and make sure to give them the attention they need!

 Pray.  Pray for you, your husband, your older child(ren) and the baby. If you need to make a major change for your firstborn, think about it months in advance.  If you need to use the crib for the baby, transition your toddler before the birth or wait until long after.  Think about how much time your older child needs for his/her bedtime routine and figure out whether you can do it with a newborn, because a newborn's schedule is not predictable at first.  Make sure you have a safe baby proofed place to put your toddler while you're putting the newborn down for a nap and you need it quiet.  Conversely, have a safe place to put your newborn while you're putting the toddler down for a nap. Have a special bag of toys and books that are new and exciting (or just ones he hasn't seen for awhile) to help occupy your toddler while the baby is nursing or needing to go down for a nap and you can't play. Know that it's easier than your first because you will actually know what you are doing this time :) And know that God has planned your child's siblings and chosen you as their mommy!

***

I truly hope you've enjoyed this little venture of ours. Please do let us know what you think. Is everyone out there nuts to go for two? If you have, how has it changed you? Should we do another round of Doubling Up sometime, and if so, what are some questions we should hit?

On a personal note, I'm in agreement with much of what has been said about how the family grows and joy grows and love grows, but I've also been amazed at how much having our daughter, our second, has quieted me. Made me pause. Made me more gracious, more interested in improving myself for the sake of another. There's something, dare I say something so cliche, magical that happens with #2. With our first, our attention really centered on him. It was focused at the same point. But with two, the "division" of attention has slowed our pace, and it seems that all four of us now are simply more aware of and attentive to each individual and the whole. Does that make sense? Like some veil was lifted and things have become more clear. And interesting. And present. So very much this day, this hour.

Okay, maybe I need to hit publish and shush.

with love and affection for you, readers,

~jen

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doubling up : sleep and other adjustments

So. When I realized I'd have another newborn, I sort of freaked out. You see, I am pretty sure we messed up our firstborn's sleep habits and made all our lives far more chaotic than they needed to be. That said, I don't regret it, because I think that's what it's like to have a firstborn. Yah gotta go through it yourself, you know? They all turn into CEOs anyway, so what's the harm?

But with the second, I knew I didn't want to make the same mistakes. I had an idea of what to do differently (or rather, what to just let happen naturally), but I was FREAKED about the idea of being sleep-deprived and responsible for a very awake toddler. FREAKED, people.

Here's what the ladies had to say to me:

How did you handle their sleep and yours? What would you change in hindsight?

Carter was a terrible sleeper.  After weeks of grumpiness and arguments and tears (not just the babies' tears), we created a system.  We set up a sleep area in the basement and took shifts.  10-2 and 2-6.  One of us would sleep upstairs and one would sleep downstairs so you always got 4 hrs of uninterrupted sleep.  Four hrs was as long as I could go without pumping so it worked for us.  Plus, we moved the baby into a bassinet in our room so you never really had to get out of bed.  If he woke up, we would feed him a bottle and then roll over to put  him back in the bassinet.  When Gunnar got here, we were prepared for those sleepness nights again.  However, we were so lucky that this baby was a wonderful sleeper and literally slept 5 hrs straight from the day he was born.  He was one of the kids the nurses in the hospital had to wake up (due to some crazy rule about not being allowed to sleep more than 5 hrs straight).  I sincerely hope you get a sleeper like our second child!!  In hindsight, I would have stuck with my instincts about bottles and co-sleeping rather than get sucked into all the debates about what is better and if one of them is evil.  If it works for your family, it is the best thing for your child.  Period.  Don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

Sleep! Well the first few months are so tough because there is no such thing as a schedule for the newborn! I generally follow the "no more than 2 hours wake time" rule and would just let Amelia sleep enough of course, but from early on never let her just sleep the whole day away. Around 3-4 months I began to make sure she was up from her morning nap by 11, so she would be ready to go back down by 12:30-1. Abigail slept 1-3:30 and I was determined to get them on the same schedule.Took a couple weeks, but it worked great. I quickly learned babies/toddlers crave & thrive on routine and predictability. I was also diligent about being home at naptime so they got good sound sleep in their cribs. For nightime I believe earlier is better as overtired babies fight sleep! Starting around 4-5 months we began putting Amelia down about 7, I'd scoop her up to nurse before we went to bed about 10-10:30. Then of course there was the 2-2:30 am feeding, and then she was up again about 6 am. Once we got the ok from our pediatrician, we sleep trained, as we did with Abigial and it works like a charm. It is sooooo very difficult those first few nights but also so worth it. I now have two very happy, well rested and healthy kids that sleep 7:30-7:30 and nap from 1-3:30. Hallelujah!!

I probably didn't do very well for myself, here. I was so protective of my adult time with my husband that I stayed up late after the children were asleep. I have never liked schedules, so the idea of giving myself an early bedtime was repugnant to me. And so I was exhausted. I should have given in! I'm better now.

Ironically, a VERY important practice we established for the children was having an unwavering bedtime (8:00 pm). Before 8 we would get the children ready for bed, read them a book, and then say bedtime prayers and sing a hymn. Then the lights went off and we kissed them good night--even the newborn baby! This bedtime ritual helped each new child learn to fall asleep on his own at an early age.

Hannah's health was at her worst when Clare was born, so she and Clare were waking every 2-3 hours, so my husband got one and I got the other.  I also drink caffiene (there I said it :)), not too much, but enough to take the edge off.  My children are super crazy, mabye this is why.  I did give in to co-sleeping because I just needed to sleep and that worked just fine.  Also, we cry it out at 6months--did wonders (I don't do well with it, but my husband is great, so after 3 nights, she slept and I was thanking my husband).  I did find with my third a little secret-  Fisher Price Rock and Play.  It was snug, but safe, and Emily slept great in it next to me (so no co-sleeping with her).


I don't know if I would change much.  Sleep deprivation is really difficult, but I have found with all three of my girls, the pain of getting them to sleep well, is worth it.  They are all great sleepers and I have been able to benefit from it since our third was 6 months.  This has really helped me be a better mom and them get to sleep on their own.

To be honest, I get more sleep now than I did the first 15 months with Tom, and David is just so EASY.  Tom woke up every 1.5 hours until he was weaned at 15 months.  David has already had some stretches of 6, 8, and even 10 hours at night.  That said, I knew NOTHING about infant sleep with Tom.  I prepared so much for childbirth and not at all for helping him sleep.  With David I knew to not keep him up more than 1.5 to 2 hours, to get him on a schedule of nursing right when he woke up, to swaddle him, etc.  But basically Arch and I don't see one another at night...he handles Tom's bedtime routine and all his wakeups, and I do David's bedtime nursing/put to bed and his wakeups...so we still have a lot to figure out.

How did you adjust your relationship with your firstborn, and what were the advantages and disadvantages of these adjustments? 

 The firstborn learns to be more independent and learns skills like taking turns, having patience, being a part of something bigger (the family unit).  The advantages FAR outweight the disadvantages.  Of course, the main disadvantage is that the firstborn is no longer the focus of your life and that takes some adjustment for them, too.  It doesn't take a lot of time - kids really do value quality time over a longer quantity of time where you are distracted.  Even 15 minutes of undistracted reading or playing can change a toddler's mood.  If the morning starts out rough, I would aim to get this 15 min in before morning nap time and re-start the day after we all had our morning nap! 

 Didn't really adjust my relationship with Abigial, just spent special time with her whenever I could. Invited her to cuddle next me and we would read as I nursed Amelia. Encouraged her to be my "special helper" and bring me a diaper for Amelia or as she got older make her food, etc. Even now, we have special "Mommy/Abby or Daddy/Abby time when we just read/play or go to the park or even grocery store, she loves it and we'll start doing the same for Amelia, especially in a few weeks when baby #3 arrives.

Everything I said about nurturing a culture of community [from Wednesday's post].

 We really make it a point for them to have their own time with us....mommy or daddy dates (really just running errands or getting a McDonalds ice cream), but it's one on one time with us.  Or they each get a book read to them.  Because of Hannah's health issues, she still receives the majority of the attention, and sometimes Clare does act out on that, but they are both unique and recieve an equal amount of love and affection from both of us.  Sometimes Hannah gets more, and sometimes Clare gets more and sometimes Emily gets more.  It's actually really good for them to learn, and to be okay with the fact that things are not always equal in amount, but equal in love.

 As I said above, it was difficult, and it was so hard seeing how shocking it was for Tom to suddenly have this new little person around who, in the beginning, just cried and slept.  We talked to him a LOT.  We told him David just cried because he couldn't talk to us yet, taught him to help us shush David to sleep, praised him for being the helpful big brother opening diapers (sometimes emptying a whole box) or bringing wipes, or anything else we could praise him for.  Both Arch and I tried to give him as much one on one time as we could and a lot of affection.  He had more meltdowns so we had to balance what things deserved a time out and what things were just the fact that he couldn't handle his emotions with this big change.  We tried to never say "you're a big boy now so you can't do ...(fill in whatever behavior it was) or now you have to (fill in task)" because we read somewhere that no toddler is going to think it's better being the big boy when the baby gets cuddled and held all day long. 

When I just had Tom, I couldn't fathom giving enough attention to both, but it's not like a piece of pie that's going to get eaten up.  Now I try to give my attention to both and do as much together as we can (reading books on my lap, etc).  To be honest, sometimes I wonder if David isn't the one who sometimes sits in his bouncy chair or swing more than Tom would have because I have to help Tom with something, but having a baby carrier helps a lot with that.

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I can't tell you how grateful we were for this read! It seems as though parents just get the swing of things on the second try. I'd say we certainly did. Though I'm now going through a bit of night-waking teaching with my 4.5 month old, it's been a dream compared to the first. We learned quickly to get our daughter used to sleeping in her crib, and falling asleep there, however aided. But most of all, we've noticed how much better parents we are when we sleep and how happy they are when they sleep well. 

I hope you've enjoyed this week! Be sure to check in tomorrow for the Famous Last Words and the best part of parenting 2 kids!

icj,

`j

And check back tomorrow for another installment: SLEEP.

icj,

~j

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